Another day, another pill.

So, I switched from nights to days when it comes to taking my pill and it seems to have helped. I don't sleep during the day anymore. Yesterday, I felt a little nauseous, but that seems to have gone away today. Not sure what that was about. 

It's odd....I'm so used to being filled with anxiety that I don't quite know how to adjust to feeling....normal. But what is "normal" really? Definitely a debatable topic. Maybe I should say okay. 

As I sit writing this, I just worked myself up into a small panic of "am I really okay? What if something happens?" But luckily, I got myself out of it. Yawning. Tired all the time, but still at it. 

All in all, I guess it's helping. No, wait...I know it's helping. I haven't felt tense in a few days and that's a relief in and of itself. I'm gonna keep going, let the meds do their job and while it's happening, I'm going to work on my brain because, as of now, that's the problem. Me thinking somethings going to happen. I need to find a way to get through that. 

Let go and let God, they say. I'm putting my faith in a higher power. But the one promise I'm making to myself: I will not stop living. I will not stop enjoying life  

This will not beat me. 

Anxiety, new meds and feeling nothing.

I had my first real panic attack less than a week ago and it was frightening. I thought I was dying. I've never felt anything like that before in my life. Sure, I've had bouts of anxiety that would stay with me for days on end, but never had it presented itself in the way that it did last Sunday. 

Of course, I realize I'm not the only person dealing with this. In fact, more often than not, a person has some form of anxiety. 

I was prescribed Celexa and told to take it every day and that, in about two to three weeks, it would start working. Two days in and I feel 100 times worse than I did before I started taking it. I've slept the last two days away (including Thanksgiving) and I've no appetite whatsoever. If you know me, you know I love to eat so that's a problem in and of itself. I also have no desire to do anything. Barely have any desire to get out of bed half the time and when I do, it's for ten minutes at a time, max. How does this help? 

I'm a writer. I make things up for a living. I create fake worlds and tell fake stories, I've been doing it my entire life. And now? In two days, I have no desire to do any of it. I keep looking at my pile of laundry and walking right past it. Sure, I've never liked laundry, but I still do it. 

They say your body knows whether or not something is working for you or if it isn't. I feel bad, on one hand, because it's been two days and I'm like, "I have to give this chance," but on the other hand, all of the side effects ...are they worth it? The mood swings, loss of appetite, flu like symptoms, extreme fatigue and drowsiness and lack of interest in the things I love to do. Are they really worth it?

I emailed the doc so we'll see what she says. But for now, I'm going to go with my gut and say fuck these meds because I would rather deal with my anxiety head on than sleep my days away and become a pod person. 

Until next time...

Are you single? Taken? Hungry?

It's been a while. 

Here's the thing: we all have that one person that we'll always have feelings for and we all have that one person we have feelings for, but can't get up the courage to tell. My person is one in the same. 

Sometimes, I'm so transparent I think, "there's no way you can't see me," but there are other times where I'm vague as fuck on purpose. Either way, I'm always there. 

Why do we constantly believe that everyone is too good for us? Or that we could never be worthy of such w person?  In our minds, once we catch feelings, we place them on this pedestal and no one else compares. But why? Why must we set these incredibly hard to meet expectations on/for ourselves when it comes to others? Especially when we feel something other than friendship for them?

This is my predicament. This is my problem. I want so much, yet I'm so afraid to say anything. It is the most difficult thing to deal with because half of me wants to blurt it out and the other half worries about the most unimportant things. 

Lately though, I've been feeling the need to say something, anything. The smallest thing because I feel like maybe it's reciprocated? Maybe this isn't as one sided and as unrequited as I once thought?

To you I say: you know who you are and even if you don't, if you took a second to just think about it...well...

I think you'll know. 

Follow Your Dreams

You want to know what it means to have a dream? 

It means not being afraid. It means taking a chance. It means jumping headfirst. It means sacrifice.  

I have a dream. And weirdly enough, in three months, I went from being someone who talked about my dream to being someone thrust in the middle of it all. 

I'm not where I want to be, but I'm on my way and I can feel it. Whatever it is that I need to do to get to where I need to be, I will. Working hard, taking chances. Don't live in fear of your dreams. Take the reigns and put one foot in front of the other because once you get a taste of that feeling, every step will feel infinitely better than the last. 

So, here's to dreaming big, to taking those steps and to facing your fear. 

Use your fear to push yourself harder. 

Take a deep breath. Take one step at a time. Go for it. 

Success, in any form, is a great feeling. 

See you in 2015. 

Instant Gratification

I find myself wanting a lot of things, lately. All these thoughts. Hmm. 

Not knowing where to begin or which way is up. It's highly irritating to a point, but I also know that I need to be patient. Whatever I'm silently searching for will show itself in due time. 

Patience. The one thing I'm severely lacking. I love instant gratification. But then again, don't we all? Isn't it normal to want immediate results in every part of your life? For every single thing?

You meet someone. You hit it off. You want the whole shebang. Or you start a new job and you like it so much that you want to literally run up the ladder? 

Instant gratification. 

It's what we all expect, yet we've all learned, probably more than once, that life doesn't seem to work that way. Patience is key, is it not? The waiting game is real. 

And it's hard to grasp because we always want. We want to travel, we want to fall in love, we want to move away and begin anew. We simply want. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is: patience is such a hard thing to learn and I think that, at times, I forget that patience is key. 

So, I'm waiting. I'm waiting. 

Hills So High

"Hills So High," the new album from Los Angeles based band A House For Lions, is out today and I am incredibly in love with it. Reminds me of the 90's in the best way possible.

From the beginning to the end, this album soothes your soul. It tells you stories of love, leaving, hopes, dreams and everything in between. 

I first found out about A House For Lions through the website You, Me and Charlie over a year ago. The moment I listened to You Don't Wanna Wait For Me, I fell in love. It was love at first listen. And now, they're here with their debut album and it is everything and MORE.

It was really difficult for me to pick a top three, but I think I have come to a conclusion. I'm going to talk about my top three songs from the album because I don't want to spoil the entire album for you.

I had a hard time choosing the first song, but I think I'll go with Let Back. "We'll write a book worth reading. We'll past the test, no cheating." This song... as soon as I heard the first lyric, I replayed it and then replayed the song a couple of times. Let Back is melodic and laid back. The lead vocals, along with the lyrics, are soothing, calming and so very beautiful. I have no other way of putting it: this song simply makes me think.

Ordinary Life, the first single, is amazing. "Don't put your love out on the table. I know we're all to blame, but people ain't the same in Hollywood." It often reminds me of times I've been in relationships with people who just don't understand what my dream means, what my plans mean. Fighting to keep it together, but knowing, somewhere, that it's a lost cause. "I love you, but we're different." And then, being afraid. Being scared of the unknown and second-guessing. Another side to it, losing and leaving friendships behind because of your dreams. Memories, good times. Jumbled thoughts, I know, but I get such a feel from this song.

And my most favorite song from Hills So High: Come On, Let's Go. 

This song...I can't even explain to you how many times it's been on repeat or how many times I've just closed my eyes and listened. The lyrics, the music, everything about this song is so beautiful, so personal to me. 

"All the mistakes that I made in the name of escaping the fate of my family, shame on me for thinking that way. I am just like them and I'm okay. Would you love me anyway?" Come On Let's Go tells a story from beginning to end. A story that, I believe, we can all relate to. A story that we have all experienced. In all honesty, no song since Correatown's Everything All At Once has made me feel so intensely. It's one of those songs that makes me want to lay in a field, forget everything and play it on repeat. It's that damn good.

All in all, this album is A+. From beginning to end, it is a classic album. Something that will definitely be played on repeat for days to come. Bravo, A House For Lions.

To Daniel, Mike, Eric and Joesph: You guys are truly amazing. You create inspiring music and you tell wonderful stories. I'm so very lucky to have met you guys, to have seen you live twice and to be able to say that I know a group of guys who make amazing music. You're cementing your place in the books. :)

Want more from A House For Lions? Well, lucky for you, their album is on sale today in the iTunes store. You can also visit their website, AHFL, and follow them on Twitter and Facebook.

These Worn Pages Hold a Key

I am an avid reader. Lover of all things literature. And I am not picky.

I do not have a favorite genre, though I will say that fairy tales are pretty much at the top, but I think that is completely understandable. I mean, who doesn't love a great fairy tale? Who doesn't love the feeling of losing yourself in an imaginary land of witches, fairies, and magic? Rooting for the good guy, the hero, the prince/Princess? Or, in my case at times, the evil queen. And walking away with a sense of the same invincibility you possessed as a child?

I get that feeling from a lot of the books I read, but honestly, I just love the emotional journey a writer can take me on. I love feeling so invested in a book that I forget about reality, even if only for a moment.

As a writer, I draw inspiration from others' works. I love to see the way your mind can take over; creating a world that can be envisioned by the simple task of reading.

And I love being taken on a journey.

Right now, I have a few books that I am reading at the same time. (It's odd, I know) I pick up one, read a few chapters and then, I'll pick up another and do the same. Don't ask me why.

• "The Fault In Our Stars" by John Green. (Again) Emotional, but completely worth the read.

• "Notes of a Dirty Old Man" by Charles Bukowski. Honestly, I will read anything by this man.

• "Keeping You a Secret" by Julie Anne Peters. I've read this before, but I always seem to go back to it. A very captivating story about a girl discovering her sexual identity.  "She sauntered away, but not before I caught a glimpse of her T-shirt. It said: IMRU?"

• "Caught" by Harlan Coben. I can tell you that the first few pages were NOT what I was expecting at all.

I believe that in every book, there is a key to be found. So, pick up a book, get lost in the pages and find the key!

What are YOU reading? What are some of your favorite reads? Feel free to give me some recs. I love 'em. Always looking for something new.